Tracy’s Breastfeeding Story

"I was so worried about the delivery, that I forgot to try to prepare myself for when the baby was here. I had heard breastfeeding was hard, but I didn’t imagine I would personally have such

difficulties"

I had a perfect pregnancy, a pretty easy/ quick delivery, and a pretty easy baby. The hardest part for me was the transition to motherhood and getting adjusted to taking care of a baby. The thing that made it so hard was feeding. Once the baby arrived, that’s when things got tough. I was so worried about the delivery, that I forgot to try to prepare myself for when the baby was here. I had heard breastfeeding was hard, but I didn’t imagine I would personally have such difficulties. Things were fine (minus the exhaustion) until we went to the pediatrician after coming home from the hospital and were sent to Sick Kids immediately. My son had a cephalohematoma from the delivery (which we were told in the hospital that it wasn’t a big deal) he was dehydrated, lost almost 10% of his body weight, a bit of jaundice and had low blood sugar. Rushing to the hospital in such a panic and without being in the right state of mind was awful. I had to spend the day doing tests and pumping him full of formula but all alone because my husband wasn’t allowed in (Thanks Covid-19). That first day there was the worst day of my life. I could barely understand what the doctors were saying and I started dozing off during an ultrasound my son had to get. We ended up spending 3 nights in the hospital (my husband was able to join for that thankfully) working on what would become the biggest hurdle I’ve had to overcome: breastfeeding my baby. 

In the hazy state I was in being overwhelmed with hormones, pain and extreme exhaustion, I was told to breastfeed, then pump immediately after while my husband topped off with formula or previously pumped breast milk with a bottle. It seemed ok; I was told it would help my supply, and I had around the clock nurses helping out and monitoring the amount of top up I would give, along with keeping track of the feeding schedule (minimum every 3 hours). 

Once we got home, I thought things would be smooth, but they weren’t. I hadn’t really understood the concept of breastfeeding, so I was on the wrong track right away. I was feeding, then topping up in a bottle, then burping, then pumping, then changing and then by the time I was finished it was time to start all over again. Most days I didn’t leave the bedroom and I was so overwhelmed that I wasn’t taking proper care of myself and healing. I realized this wasn’t sustainable but I wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong, and why I wasn’t breastfeeding exclusively. I didn’t want to give any formula- so many friends never had to give any, so why was I constantly topping up with it? I was told my supply was low by a few lactation consultants and that I need to keep this up in order to increase my supply. It was completely unsustainable, and caused immense stress. as I felt like this would be my life for so long, and I would never have a minute to do anything else. One of my biggest stresses was that overnight when I would have to feed, I would either have to spend a long time trying to wake my son up, which made me horrified that he would lose weight again because I wasn’t meeting the 3-hour mark, or I would sleep through my “get up to feed my alarm”, and wake up panicked that I didn’t feed him, and again, he would lose too much weight. All the mixed emotions and intense anxiety were very impeding on me getting back to feeling like myself. 

Throughout this journey, there were many other hurdles along the way. My baby had a tongue tie which we were told by multiple professionals that there was nothing to be done and to not worry about it. After a month of going through the motions of the two-hour long feedings, we were told we should do the tongue tie release procedure. It was after this that I realized I need to end the extreme routine I was on, and figure something else out. After seeing a few more lactation consultants and speaking to my pediatrician, some things they suggested were to start taking supplements to increase my supply, see a body work practitioner to loosen my son’s jaw, consider domperidone, try topping up with the tube feeding, monitoring wet diapers and weight, and also just experiment with only breastfeeding and see what happens. Tons of advice was coming from all different directions and from different people. All this was to get me to exclusively breastfeed, but it wasn’t working. I had a hard time keeping track of the time, of the quantity of top up I was given, and I was having such difficulty reading his cues and trying to figure out when he was full or if he was still hungry. I felt brain dead from everything that was going on. I didn’t know what to do, and I felt mentally exhausted. All I did was ask friends for advice. I felt I wasn’t “taught” enough about it in the hospital or even by other lactation consultants.  For some reason I didn’t think that every time he cried, he was probably hungry. I didn’t realize the extent of how frequent breastfeeding should be, how long it should take, proper positioning, and that it was more than just feeding the baby.

I still currently don’t know if I had a low supply to begin with, or if the latch and tongue movement wasn’t efficient to get enough milk out. I’ve been topping up with formula ever since, and pumping way less, just for my own mental health. I’ve come to realize it’s more important that a baby is happy and healthy, and you need to do the thing that’s best for you as well as a parent, in order to be successful.